Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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