Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
They took my balls.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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