omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
