I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
