I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
My liver just broke up with me...
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
