booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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