Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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