my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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