just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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