I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
