so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
