That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
i now understand why vodka
Randomize
