I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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