opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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