Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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