Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
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I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
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Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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