Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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