Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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