ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
