i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
