I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
