i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
