clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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