so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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