I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
