just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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