this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
MIDGETS
????
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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