don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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