Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
