party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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