god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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