if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
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