it hurts more in the daytime
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The best revenge is premature balding
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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