come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
