So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
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You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
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I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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