Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
