Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
