thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
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i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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