if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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