Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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