so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
