So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize