Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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