please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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