I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
