Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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