I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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