someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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