Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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