Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
