sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
