dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
