ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
