Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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