Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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