This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
