all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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