How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You ate ashes out of my bong
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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