So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
